Why I am an Atheist

Bhagat Singh 1931

(written October 5th-6th,  1930)

It is a matter of debate whether my lack of belief in the existence of an Omnipresent, Omniscient God is due to my arrogant pride and vanity. It never occurred to me that sometime in the future I would be involved in polemics of this kind. As a result of some discussions with my friends, (if my claim to friendship is not uncalled for) I have realised that after having known me for a little time only, some of them have reached a kind of hasty conclusion about me that my atheism is my foolishness and that it is the outcome of my vanity. Even then it is a serious problem. I do not boast of being above these human follies. I am, after all, a human being and nothing more. And no one can claim to be more than that. I have a weakness in my personality, for pride is one of the human traits that I do possess. I am known as a dictator among my friends. Sometimes I am called a boaster. Some have always been complaining that I am bossy and I force others to accept my opinion. Yes, it is true to some extent. I do not deny this charge. We can use the word ‘vainglory’ for it. As far as the contemptible, obsolete, rotten values of our society are concerned, I am an extreme sceptic. But this question does not concern my person alone. It is being proud of my ideas, my thoughts. It cannot be called empty pride. Pride, or you may use the word, vanity, both mean an exaggerated assessment of one’s personality. Is my atheism because of unnecessary pride, or have I ceased believing in God after thinking long and deep on the matter? I wish to put my ideas before you. First of all, let us differentiate between pride and vanity as these are two different things.

I have never been able to understand how unfounded, baseless pride or empty vanity can hinder a person from believing in God. I may refuse to acknowledge the greatness of a really great person only when I have got fame without doing any serious efforts or when I lack the superior mental powers necessary to become great. It is easy to understand but how is it possible that a believer can turn into a non-believer because of his vanity? Only two things are possible: either a man deems himself to be in possession of Godly qualities, or he goes a step further and declares himself to be a god. In both these states of mind he cannot be an atheist in the true sense of the word. In the first case, it is not an outright rejection of God’s existence; in the other, he is affirming the existence of some kind of supernatural power responsible for the working of universe. It does not harm our argument whether he claims to be a god or considers God to be a reality in existence above his own being. The real point, however, is that in both cases he is a theist, a believer. He is not an atheist. I want to bring home this point to you. I am not one of these two creeds. I totally reject the existence of an Omnipresent, all powerful, all knowing God. Why so? I will discuss it later in the essay. Here I wish to emphasise that I am not an atheist for the reason that I am arrogant or proud or vain; nor am I a demi-god, nor a prophet; no, nor am I God myself. At least one thing is true that I have not evolved this thought because of vanity or pride. In order to answer this question I relate the truth. My friends say that after Delhi bombing and Lahore Conspiracy Case, I rocketed to fame and that this fact has turned my head. Let us discuss why this allegation is incorrect. I did not give up my belief in God after these incidents. I was an atheist even when I was an unknown figure. At least a college student cannot cherish any sort of exaggerated notion of himself that may lead him to atheism. It is true that I was a favourite with some college teachers, but others did not like me. I was never a hardworking or studious boy. I never got an opportunity to be proud. I was very careful in my behaviour and somewhat pessimistic about my future career. I was not completely atheistic in my beliefs. I was brought up under the care and protection of my father. He was a staunch Arya Samaji. An Arya Samaji can be anything but never an atheist. After my elementary education, I was sent to D. A. V College, Lahore. I lived in the boarding house for one year. Besides prayers early in the morning and at dusk time, I sat for hours and chanted religious Mantras. At that time, I was a staunch believer. Then I lived with my father. He was a tolerant man in his religious views. It is due to his teachings that I devoted my life for the cause of liberating my country. But he was not an atheist. His God was an all-pervading Entity. He advised me to offer my prayers every day. In this way I was brought up. In the Non-cooperation days, I got admission to the National College. During my stay in this college, I began thinking over all the religious polemics such that I grew sceptical about the existence of God. In spite of this fact I can say that my belief in God was firm and strong. I grew a beard and ‘Kais’ (long head of hair as a Sikh religious custom). In spite of this I could not convince myself of the efficacy of Sikh religion or any religion at all, for that matter. But I had an unswerving, unwavering belief in God.

Then I joined the Revolutionary Party. The first leader I met had not the courage to openly declare himself an atheist. He was unable to reach any conclusion on this point. Whenever I asked him about the existence of God, he gave me this reply: “You may believe in him when you feel like it.” The second leader with whom I came in contact was a firm believer. I should mention his name. It was our respected Comrade Sachindara Nath Sanyal. He was sentenced to life imprisonment in connection with Karachi conspiracy case. Right from the first page of his only book, ‘Bandi Jivan’ (Incarnated Life) he sings praises to the Glory of God. See the last page of the second part of this book and you find praises showered upon God in the way of a mystic. It is a clear reflection of his thoughts.

According to the prosecution, the ‘Revolutionary Leaflet’ which was distributed throughout India was the outcome of Sachindara Nath Sanyal’s intellectual labour. So often it happens that in revolutionary activities a leader expresses his own ideas which may be very dear to him, but in spite of having differences, the other workers have to acquiesce in them.

In that leaflet, one full paragraph was devoted to the praises of God and His doings which we, human beings, cannot understand. This is sheer mysticism. What I want to point out is that the idea of denying the existence of God did not even occur to the Revolutionary Party. The famous Kakory martyrs, all four of them, passed their last day in prayers. Ram Parshad Bismal was a staunch Arya Samaji. In spite of his vast studies in Socialism and Communism, Rajan Lahiri could not suppress his desire to recite hymns from Upanishads and Gita. There was but only one person among them who did not indulge in such activities. He used to say, “Religion is the outcome of human weakness or the limitation of human knowledge.” He is also in prison for life. But he also never dared to deny the existence of God.

Till that time I was only a romantic revolutionary, just a follower of our leaders. Then came the time to shoulder the whole responsibility. For some time, a strong opposition put the very existence of the party into danger. Many leaders as well as many enthusiastic comrades began to uphold the party to ridicule. They jeered at us. I had an apprehension that some day I will also consider it a futile and hopeless task. It was a turning point in my revolutionary career. An incessant desire to study filled my heart. ‘Study more and more’, said I to myself so that I might be able to face the arguments of my opponents. ‘Study’ to support your point of view with convincing arguments. And I began to study in a serious manner. My previous beliefs and convictions underwent a radical change. The romance of militancy dominated our predecessors; now serious ideas ousted this way of thinking. No more mysticism! No more blind faith! Now realism was our mode of thinking. At times of terrible necessity, we can resort to extreme methods, but violence produces opposite results in mass movements. I have talked much about our methods. The most important thing was a clear conception of our ideology for which we were waging a long struggle. As there was no election activity going on, I got ample opportunity to study various ideas propounded by various writers. I studied Bakunin, the anarchist leader. I read a few books of Marx, the father of Communism. I also read Lenin and Trotsky and many other writers who successfully carried out revolutions in their countries. All of them were atheists. The ideas contained in Bakunin’s ‘God and State’ seem inconclusive, but it is an interesting book. After that I came across a book ‘Common Sense’ by Nirlamba Swami. His point of view was a sort of mystical atheism. I developed more interest in this subject. By the end of 1926, I was convinced that the belief in an Almighty, Supreme Being who created, guided and controlled the universe had no sound foundations. I began discussions on this subject with my friends. I had openly declared myself an atheist. What it meant will be discussed in the following lines.

In May 1927, I was arrested in Lahore. This arrest came as a big surprise for me. I had not the least idea that I was wanted by the police. I was passing through a garden and all of a sudden the police surrounded me. To my own surprise, I was very calm at that time. I was in full control of myself. I was taken into police custody. The next day I was taken to the Railway Police lockup where I spent a whole month. After many days’ conversation with police personnel, I guessed that they had some information about my connection with the Kakori Party. I felt they had some intelligence of my other activities in the revolutionary movement. They told me that I was in Lucknow during the Kakori Party Trial so that I might devise a scheme to rescue the culprits. They also said that after the plan had been approved, we procured some bombs and by way of test, one of those bombs was thrown into a crowd on the occasion of Dussehra in 1926. They offered to release me on condition that I gave a statement on the activities of the Revolutionary Party. In this way I would be set free and even rewarded and I would not be produced as an approver in the court. I could not help laughing at their proposals. It was all humbug. People who have ideas like ours do not throw bombs at their own innocent people. One day, Mr. Newman, the then senior Superintendent of CID, came to me. After a long talk which was full of sympathetic words, he imparted to me what he considered to be sad news, that if I did not give any statement as demanded by them, they would be forced to send me up for trial for conspiracy to wage war in connection with Kakori Case and also for brutal killings in Dussehra gathering. After that he said that he had sufficient evidence to get me convicted and hanged.

I was completely innocent, but I believed that the police had sufficient power to do it if they desired it to be so. The same day some police officers persuaded me to offer my prayers to God two times regularly. I was an atheist. I thought that I would settle it to myself whether I could brag only in days of peace and happiness that I was an atheist, or in those hard times I could be steadfast in my convictions. After a long debate with myself, I reached the conclusion that I could not even pretend to be a believer nor could I offer my prayers to God. No, I never did it. It was time of trial and I would come out of it successful. These were my thoughts. Never for a moment did I desire to save my life. So I was a true atheist then and I am an atheist now. It was not an easy task to face that ordeal. Beliefs make it easier to go through hardships, even make them pleasant. Man can find a strong support in God and an encouraging consolation in His Name. If you have no belief in Him, then there is no alternative but to depend upon yourself. It is not child’s play to stand firm on your feet amid storms and strong winds. In difficult times, vanity, if it remains, evaporates and man cannot find the courage to defy beliefs held in common esteem by the people. If he really revolts against such beliefs, we must conclude that it is not sheer vanity; he has some kind of extraordinary strength. This is exactly the situation now. First of all we all know what the judgement will be. It is to be pronounced in a week or so. I am going to sacrifice my life for a cause. What more consolation can there be! A God-believing Hindu may expect to be reborn a king; a Muslim or a Christian might dream of the luxuries he hopes to enjoy in paradise as a reward for his sufferings and sacrifices. What hope should I entertain? I know that will be the end when the rope is tightened round my neck and the rafters move from under my feet. To use more precise religious terminology, that will be the moment of utter annihilation. My soul will come to nothing. If I take the courage to take the matter in the light of ‘Reward’, I see that a short life of struggle with no such magnificent end shall itself be my ‘Reward.’ That is all. Without any selfish motive of getting any reward here or in the hereafter, quite disinterestedly have I devoted my life to the cause of freedom. I could not act otherwise. The day shall usher in a new era of liberty when a large number of men and women, taking courage from the idea of serving humanity and liberating them from sufferings and distress, decide that there is no alternative before them except devoting their lives for this cause. They will wage a war against their oppressors, tyrants or exploiters, not to become kings, or to gain any reward here or in the next birth or after death in paradise; but to cast off the yoke of slavery, to establish liberty and peace they will tread this perilous, but glorious path. Can the pride they take in their noble cause be called vanity? Who is there rash enough to call it so? To him I say either he is foolish or wicked. Leave such a fellow alone for he cannot realise the depth, the emotions, the sentiment and the noble feelings that surge in that heart. His heart is dead, a mere lump of flesh, devoid of feelings. His convictions are infirm, his emotions feeble. His selfish interests have made him incapable of seeing the truth. The epithet ‘vanity’ is always hurled at the strength we get from our convictions.

You go against popular feelings; you criticise a hero, a great man who is generally believed to be above criticism. What happens? No one will answer your arguments in a rational way; rather you will be considered vainglorious. Its reason is mental insipidity. Merciless criticism and independent thinking are the two necessary traits of revolutionary thinking. As Mahatmaji is great, he is above criticism; as he has risen above, all that he says in the field of politics, religion, Ethics is right. You agree or not, it is binding upon you to take it as truth. This is not constructive thinking. We do not take a leap forward; we go many steps back.

Our forefathers evolved faith in some kind of Supreme Being, therefore, one who ventures to challenge the validity of that faith or denies the existence of God, shall be called a Kafir (infidel), or a renegade. Even if his arguments are so strong that it is impossible to refute them, if his spirit is so strong that he cannot be bowed down by the threats of misfortune that may befall him through the wrath of the Almighty, he shall be decried as vainglorious. Then why should we waste our time in such discussions? This question has come before the people for the first time, hence the necessity and usefulness of such long discussions.

As far as the first question is concerned, I think I have made it clear that I did not turn atheist because of vanity. Only my readers, not I, can decide whether my arguments carry weight. If I were a believer, I know in the present circumstances my life would have been easier; the burden lighter. My disbelief in God has turned all the circumstances too harsh and this situation can deteriorate further. Being a little mystical can give the circumstances a poetic turn. But I need no opiate to meet my end. I am a realistic man. I want to overpower this tendency in me with the help of Reason. I am not always successful in such attempts. But it is man’s duty to try and make efforts. Success depends on chance and circumstances.

Now we come to the second question: if it is not vanity, there ought to be some sound reason for rejection of age-old belief in God. Yes, I come to this question. I think that any man who has some reasoning power always tries to understand the life and people around him with the help of this faculty. Where concrete proofs are lacking, [mystical] philosophy creeps in. As I have indicated, one of my revolutionary friends used to say that “philosophy is the outcome of human weakness.” Our ancestors had the leisure to solve the mysteries of the world, its past, its present and its future, its whys and its wherefores, but having been terribly short of direct proofs, every one of them tried to solve the problem in his own way. Hence we find wide differences in the fundamentals of various religious creeds. Sometimes they take very antagonistic and conflicting forms. We find differences in Oriental and Occidental philosophies. There are differences even amongst various schools of thoughts in each hemisphere. In Asian religions, the Muslim religion is completely incompatible with the Hindu faith. In India itself, Buddhism and Jainism are sometimes quite separate from Brahmanism. Then in Brahmanism itself, we find two conflicting sects: Aarya Samaj and Snatan Dheram. Charwak is yet another independent thinker of the past ages. He challenged the Authority of God. All these faiths differ on many fundamental questions, but each of them claims to be the only true religion. This is the root of the evil. Instead of developing the ideas and experiments of ancient thinkers, thus providing ourselves with the ideological weapon for the future struggle, – lethargic, idle, fanatical as we are – we cling to orthodox religion and in this way reduce human awakening to a stagnant pool.

It is necessary for every person who stands for progress to criticise every tenet of old beliefs. Item by item he has to challenge the efficacy of old faith. He has to analyse and understand all the details. If after rigorous reasoning, one is led to believe in any theory of philosophy, his faith is appreciated. His reasoning may be mistaken and even fallacious. But there is chance that he will be corrected because Reason is the guiding principle of his life. But belief, I should say blind belief is disastrous. It deprives a man of his understanding power and makes him reactionary.

Any person who claims to be a realist has to challenge the truth of old beliefs. If faith cannot withstand the onslaught of reason, it collapses. After that his task should be to do the groundwork for new philosophy. This is the negative side. After that comes in the positive work in which some material of the olden times can be used to construct the pillars of new philosophy. As far as I am concerned, I admit that I lack sufficient study in this field. I had a great desire to study the Oriental Philosophy, but I could get ample opportunity or sufficient time to do so. But so far as I reject the old time beliefs, it is not a matter of countering belief with belief, rather I can challenge the efficacy of old beliefs with sound arguments. We believe in nature and that human progress depends on the domination of man over nature. There is no conscious power behind it. This is our philosophy.

Being atheist, I ask a few questions from theists:

1. If, as you believe there is an Almighty, Omnipresent, Omniscient God, who created the earth or universe, please let me know, first of all, as to why he created this world. This world which is full of woe and grief, and countless miseries, where not even one person lives in peace.

2. Pray, don’t say it is His law. If He is bound by any law, He is not Omnipotent. Don’t say it is His pleasure. Nero burnt one Rome. He killed a very limited number of people. He caused only a few tragedies, all for his morbid enjoyment. But what is his place in history? By what names do we remember him? All the disparaging epithets are hurled at him. Pages are blackened with invective diatribes condemning Nero: the tyrant, the heartless, the wicked.

One Genghis Khan killed a few thousand people to seek pleasure in it and we hate the very name. Now, how will you justify your all powerful, eternal Nero, who every day, every moment continues his pastime of killing people? How can you support his doings which surpass those of Genghis Khan in cruelty and in misery inflicted upon people? I ask why the Almighty created this world which is nothing but a living hell, a place of constant and bitter unrest. Why did he create man when he had the power not to do so? Have you any answer to these questions? You will say that it is to reward the sufferer and punish the evildoer in the hereafter. Well, well, how far will you justify a man who first of all inflicts injuries on your body and then applies soft and soothing ointment on them? How far the supporters and organizers of Gladiator bouts were justified in throwing men before half starved lions, later to be cared for and looked after well if they escaped this horrible death. That is why I ask: Was the creation of man intended to derive this kind of pleasure?

Open your eyes and see millions of people dying of hunger in slums and huts dirtier than the grim dungeons of prisons; just see the labourers patiently or say apathetically while the rich vampires suck their blood; bring to mind the wastage of human energy that will make a man with a little common sense shiver in horror. Just observe rich nations throwing their surplus produce into the sea instead of distributing it among the needy and deprived. There are palaces of kings built upon the foundations laid with human bones. Let them see all this and say “All is well in God’s Kingdom.” Why so? This is my question. You are silent. All right. I proceed to my next point.

You, the Hindus, would say: Whosoever undergoes sufferings in this life, must have been a sinner in his previous birth. It is tantamount to saying that those who are oppressors now were Godly people then, in their previous births. For this reason alone they hold power in their hands. Let me say it plainly that your ancestors were shrewd people. They were always in search of petty hoaxes to play upon people and snatch from them the power of Reason. Let us analyse how much this argument carries weight!

Those who are well versed in the philosophy of Jurisprudence relate three of four justifications for the punishment that is to be inflicted upon a wrong-doer. These are: revenge, reform, and deterrence. The Retribution Theory is now condemned by all the thinkers. Deterrent theory is on the anvil for its flaws. Reformative theory is now widely accepted and considered to be necessary for human progress. It aims at reforming the culprit and converting him into a peace-loving citizen. But what in essence is God’s Punishment even if it is inflicted on a person who has really done some harm? For the sake of argument we agree for a moment that a person committed some crime in his previous birth and God punished him by changing his shape into a cow, cat, tree, or any other animal. You may enumerate the number of these variations in Godly Punishment to be at least eighty-four lack. Tell me, has this tomfoolery, perpetrated in the name of punishment, any reformative effect on human man? How many of them have you met who were donkeys in their previous births for having committed any sin? Absolutely no one of this sort! The so called theory of ‘Puranas’ (transmigration) is nothing but a fairy-tale. I do not have any intention to bring this unutterable trash under discussion. Do you really know the most cursed sin in this world is to be poor? Yes, poverty is a sin; it is a punishment! Cursed be the theoretician, jurist or legislator who proposes such measures as push man into the quagmire of more heinous sins. Did it not occur to your All Knowing God or he could learn the truth only after millions had undergone untold sufferings and hardships? What, according to your theory, is the fate of a person who, by no sin of his own, has been born into a family of low caste people? He is poor so he cannot go to a school. It is his fate to be shunned and hated by those who are born into a high caste. His ignorance, his poverty, and the contempt he receives from others will harden his heart towards society. Supposing that he commits a sin, who shall bear the consequences? God, or he, or the learned people of that society? What is your view about those punishments inflicted on the people who were deliberately kept ignorant by selfish and proud Brahmans? If by chance these poor creatures heard a few words of your sacred books, Vedas, these Brahmans poured melted lead into their ears. If they committed any sin, who was to be held responsible? Who was to bear the brunt? My dear friends, these theories have been coined by the privileged classes. They try to justify the power they have usurped and the riches they have robbed with the help of such theories. Perhaps it was the writer Upton Sinclair who wrote (Bhagat Singh is referring to Sinclair’s pamphlet ‘Profits of Religion’ – MIA transcriber) somewhere “only make a man firm believer in the immortality of soul, then rob him of all that he possesses. He will willingly help you in the process.” The dirty alliance between religious preachers and possessors of power brought the boon of prisons, gallows, knouts and above all such theories for the mankind.

I ask why your Omnipotent God does not hold a man back when he is about to commit a sin or offence. It is child’s play for God. Why did He not kill war lords? Why did He not obliterate the fury of war from their minds? In this way He could have saved humanity of many a great calamity and horror. Why does He not infuse humanistic sentiments into the minds of the Britishers so that they may willingly leave India? I ask why He does not fill the hearts of all capitalist classes with altruistic humanism that prompts them to give up personal possession of the means of production and this will free the whole labouring humanity from the shackles of money. You want to argue the practicability of Socialist theory, I leave it to your Almighty God to enforce it. Common people understand the merits of Socialist theory as far as general welfare is concerned but they oppose it under the pretext that it cannot be implemented. Let the Almighty step in and arrange things in a proper way. No more logic chopping! I tell you that the British rule is not there because God willed it but for the reason that we lack the will and courage to oppose it. Not that they are keeping us under subjugation with the consent of God, but it is with the force of guns and rifles, bombs and bullets, police and militia, and above all because of our apathy that they are successfully committing the most deplorable sin, that is, the exploitation of one nation by another. Where is God? What is He doing? Is He getting a diseased pleasure out of it? A Nero! A Genghis Khan! Down with Him!

Now another piece of manufactured logic! You ask me how I will explain the origin of this world and origin of man. Charles Darwin has tried to throw some light on this subject. Study his book. Also, have a look at Sohan Swami’s “Commonsense.” You will get a satisfactory answer. This topic is concerned with Biology and Natural History. This is a phenomenon of nature. The accidental mixture of different substances in the form of Nebulae gave birth to this earth. When? Study history to know this. The same process caused the evolution of animals and in the long run that of man. Read Darwin’s ‘Origin of Species.’ All the later progress is due to man’s constant conflict with nature and his efforts to utilise nature for his own benefit. This is the briefest sketch of this phenomenon.

Your next question will be why a child is born blind or lame even if he was not a sinner in his previous birth. This problem has been explained in a satisfactory manner by biologists as a mere biological phenomenon. According to them the whole burden rests upon the shoulders of parents whose conscious or unconscious deeds caused mutilation of the child prior to his birth.

You may thrust yet another question at me, though it is merely childish. The question is: If God does not really exist, why do people come to believe in Him? Brief and concise my answer will be. As they come to believe in ghosts, and evil spirits, so they also evolve a kind of belief in God: the only difference being that God is almost a universal phenomenon and well developed theological philosophy. However, I do disagree with radical philosophy. It attributes His origin to the ingenuity of exploiters who wanted to keep the people under their subjugation by preaching the existence of a Supreme Being; thus claimed an authority and sanction from Him for their privileged position. I do not differ on the essential point that all religions, faiths, theological philosophies, and religious creeds and all other such institutions in the long run become supporters of the tyrannical and exploiting institutions, men and classes. Rebellion against any king has always been a sin in every religion.

As regard the origin of God, my thought is that man created God in his imagination when he realized his weaknesses, limitations and shortcomings. In this way he got the courage to face all the trying circumstances and to meet all dangers that might occur in his life and also to restrain his outbursts in prosperity and affluence. God, with his whimsical laws and parental generosity was painted with variegated colours of imagination. He was used as a deterrent factor when his fury and his laws were repeatedly propagated so that man might not become a danger to society. He was the cry of the distressed soul for he was believed to stand as father and mother, sister and brother, brother and friend when in time of distress a man was left alone and helpless. He was Almighty and could do anything. The idea of God is helpful to a man in distress.

Society must fight against this belief in God as it fought against idol worship and other narrow conceptions of religion. In this way man will try to stand on his feet. Being realistic, he will have to throw his faith aside and face all adversaries with courage and valour. That is exactly my state of mind. My friends, it is not my vanity; it is my mode of thinking that has made me an atheist. I don’t think that by strengthening my belief in God and by offering prayers to Him every day, (this I consider to be the most degraded act on the part of man) I can bring improvement in my situation, nor can I further deteriorate it. I have read of many atheists facing all troubles boldly, so I am trying to stand like a man with the head high and erect to the last; even on the gallows.

Let us see how steadfast I am. One of my friends asked me to pray. When informed of my atheism, he said, “When your last days come, you will begin to believe.” I said, “No, dear sir, Never shall it happen. I consider it to be an act of degradation and demoralisation. For such petty selfish motives, I shall never pray.” Reader and friends, is it vanity? If it is, I stand for it.

 

Spiral, and stop

Oh man it’s been a while. Since my last article back in 2018, the following has happened:
1) I found out my “close” friend was not a good person, to put it very, very mildly. I had to end my friendship with him since I couldn’t in good conscience remain friends with a person who chewed up the Bro code, spit it out and defecated on it. I’m certainly no saint but he didn’t just cross the line, he rocketed past it.
Right after I found out, I had to break up with my girlfriend of 6 months who I thought it was unfair of me to date when I’m obviously not in a good mental situation(If I only knew how bad it was going to get). She is wonderful, smart, sweet, kind, caring, pretty and best of all, she made me laugh like a mad person. But I couldn’t make sense of the myriad of emotions swirling in me. I couldn’t come completely clean to her, I didn’t know how to. So, we bid each other goodbye. Thankfully it was amicable.

2) The airline I worked for shut operations due to lack of funds, thanks in no small part to the gross mismanagement of the top brass and tons of underhanded dealings(allegedly, ha). So the title of my blog stands true again. This was a year ago, a full year before today.

3) I basically fell into denial mode, thinking that our airline will be bought by someone for sure, as there were several big parties interested. That, never materialized. And I was too late off the starting line with most of my colleagues going for the first job they got, while I waited for something better. What it was, I didn’t know. By the time I got my act together, it was too late. I didn’t know it at the time, but my stages of grief had already started. I even had to miss my sister’s graduation because of the rat race.

4) Owing to a regimen of denial and avoidance of responsibility, I managed to procrastinate and artificially keep myself buoyed by fantasies of future uncertain success. I could’ve studied, cleared my exams required to become a commander and join any airline, which was their new requirement. But nooo, me want sleep and internet, freedom and peace. Big mistake.

5) Thinking. And thinking. About everything. What’s wrong with the world? What’s wrong with people? What’s wrong with me? Why was this happening to me? Hadn’t I suffered enough? Is this karma? Of course not, other people were in the same boat as I am. I tried getting past it thinking I know people, personally, who’ve had it way worse than I have. I trivialized my pain and sorrow. I thought I was tougher than this, because hadn’t I already gone 6 years before I finally got a job(in my field)? I can wait a little. At least I didn’t have any loans or EMIs to pay off, thanks to my father.

6) By this time I had lost all interest in dating anyone, or even meeting anyone, including my friends. I ventured out occassionally, to get my fill of social time, then retreated back to my cave, my patience thin, my energy dim. For some weird reason, I thought since I’m not doing the required work to get out of this situation, I will punish myself by not having any fun that requires me to spend money unnecessarily , since I’d already spent a lot on a summer trip I took to take a break. Didn’t even celebrate my birthday(its always depressing anyway, barring a couple). I started going deep into my shell around autumn. Winter was coming.

7) The pressure and stress was increasing, mainly due to relatives and peers, and my own sense of expectation from, and disappoinment in, myself. I didn’t feel like working out, or work, or play, or go out, or do anything at all. I started avoiding almost every call. I felt like throwing my phone against the wall, smashing it to smithereens. I did it multiple times actually, but the damn cover saved it. Punched walls to create physical pain so I could be distracted from my inner pain. Almost broke one of my knuckles. Anger was coming over to stay, and it wasn’t going to leave for a while.

8) I got by on a regimen of reruns of favourite shows and movies, watching some new ones on all the streaming platforms, bingeing. Distracting myself. Trying not to think. Trying not to give in. Learnt a lot about myself. I’d conditioned myself to lose my short temper earlier in life, when all I had actually done was manage to erase my ego to such an extent that nothing fazed me. But I’d worked now, I’d been around, I’d tasted success. I definitely had an ego now. And it was the source of most of my issues. All because I’d loved myself and given in to people praising me, puffing me up with pride.

9) I still went out, maybe once in 2 weeks. I was invited by my college mates to a new year party but my “friend” from the first point above was also invited. I politely uninvited myself. Managed to feel good enough around New year’s to get out and party with another set of friends, reasoning with myself that this much should be ok, I deserve it after months of boxing myself in my mind. It was fun. And though I hadn’t realized it, something else was starting. It was only later I realized that what I’d felt, was a tiny bit of hope.

10) I was starting to feel enough is enough. Time to get help. I’d been driven a bit mental and had had multiple breakdowns, one of which made my parents rush to my house to see me, which only infuriated me more since they hadn’t informed me before coming unannounced. At least it helped in some way, my parents consoled me and comforted me, saying it will be alright, it always will be at the end. Platitudes, I knew, but it helped. But how do I go about finding a therapist when I never had the time(or the motivation) to study for the exams that I never felt like giving? I felt like I was in the wrong field, questioning if I was even good enough, but what else could I do? I hadn’t prepared a Plan B. Didn’t think I’d need one so quickly.

11) I’ve grown up reading, listening, watching, and being taught that truth, honesty, loyalty, friendship, selflessness, trust and sincerity, among others are the virtues to be imbibed, and I do my best to live by them. When I haven’t, I believed karma will take care of it. And oh, it does. Kicked my ass good this time. Are you done yet?
So why has following these things brought me nothing but misery, grief and pain? Why are qualities like ambition, avarice and vanity rewarded? Aren’t they supposed to be bad? What the hell have I been reading? Is it just propaganda to keep the common man subdued and suppressed while the assholes laugh all the way to the bank?
I fell into thoughts like these innumerable times.
But something else was coming.


12) nCovid19, more popularly known as Coronavirus, or less tastefully as China flu, since it allegedly broke out in Wuhan, a city in the Hubei province of mainland China during late December, had become pandemic, spreading across countries like wildfire, with no way to detect infected people for close to a week without showing symptoms. It is being compared to the Spanish flu of 1920s, which infected 500 million and killed 50 million across the world. And this, right after I received the first piece of good news in months, a reputed airline was hiring, and even better, it was the on same type of aircraft I flew. Time to get over myself and get this done. And then, this happened.

We’re currently living through history. Awesome. Just what I needed. The already faltering economy was getting pummeled the world over, with the aviation industry being one of the hardest hit, stopping expansion plans in their tracks, cancelling flights due to lockdowns imposed the world over to contain the spread of the virus, sending people on unpaid leave or simply expelled, and cancelling the future joining of all pilots they had promised to hire. My boat is suddenly way too crowded.
And if that was’t enough, my sister got stuck in a foreign land recently, with no way of coming back, and let me tell you people, I’ve never, ever experienced this level of stress in my life. I tried to move heaven and earth, talked to people I hadn’t in years, asking if everyone, if anyone, could help. I was running around in a tizzy, shaking, heart thumping, sweating everywhere. For a change, I was with friends, and they took care of me, comforting me and helping me, coordinating contacts and searching for more people who might be able to help.
It got resolved and she was allowed to continue to the US. I was so relieved, I decided I needed a drink, a really big, barrel-sized, could-drown-myself-in-it drink. Which I proceeded to do till the next morning. Now I’m back home, with the recruitment process of the airline I’d applied to done with, hoping against hope that they’ll continue with it and I’ll get called. Also, I’ve haven’t felt this good in months, if not years. All my shit just receded to the back, and my priorities are clearer than they’ve been. Get over myself, get a better therapist(last one tried to medicate me(?!)), get down to work and get life moving. So what if we’re on lockdown? I’ve been living like this for a year now, I’m basically a guru of timepass, whether it be clean or not. I’ve got more friends than I thought I did, and I don’t feel like I have the hangups I had earlier.

 

I feel so good that I’m making people laugh. I feel hungry. I feel ready. Let’s get to it.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and wash yo hands, you detty pigs! We’ll get through this yet.

-Ja

 

Rising

Humans are masters of their fate. I discover new layers to this saying as I grow older.

I’ve always believed in being at peace with yourself. There will be times when your world view will be challenged, or you’ll end up doing something completely against your principles, and that will be the time the peace inside is shattered.

I’d myself been in this situation multiple times in the last couple of years. Maybe it was the pressures of a new job, maybe it was the things I did for the woman I thought I loved(entailing things which I normally wouldn’t do in keeping with my nature). What infuriated me the most was lack of time for myself. Just me. I’ve always been an introvert, and trying to socialize and being more “visible” takes it’s toll. I was either at work or spending time with my girl, and whatever time remained I spent it winding down. No reading books, no meeting other friends, no energy to plan anything concrete. Is this what happens when one gets married as well? Anyway it felt like it.

Is it me? Is it not okay for a person who likes spending time with him/herself to do so? What’s the deal with people who don’t understand that? Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you cease to be your own person,does it?

I try to better myself when I find something lacking, or resulting in negativity. Case in point: I have this friend who I consider a brother, since 12 years now. What’s weird is, he’s friends with every single one of my exes. (I am too, barring one(presently)) And remained so after I broke up with them. I guess in most cases the friend is only a friend of your paramour as long as they are your paramour. That’s how it goes in most social settings. But I don’t believe in that. We’re better people. I say to myself,”Does it really matter? Does your friend being a friend to your ex have any bearing or effect on you? Not really. It’s only an issue if I think it’s an issue.” And lo and behold, my mind clears up like dust on a rainy day.

It’s all in our hands. And in our minds. Meditate. Reflect. Introspect. Breathe. It helps. Nobody needs to be in depression. We all have the power in us. And if you see a person needing help, go ahead. Lend a hand. They might just benefit from your point of view, and rise above themselves.

Pieces

Today’s the first time i wore one of my t shirts that you had borrowed and returned. It still smells of you, of your house, of your clothes, of your body.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad. Well, maybe a little.
I wish I could really make you understand… I really wish you knew how bad I feel, that I decided to call it off when I did, especially after what I’d already done. I feel all I’ve done is break things into pieces. Trust, relationship, my mind, my ideals….I’d never felt so conflicted. Never felt so …uneasy…
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you and what I did. It was horrible, and you never deserved this treatment. I wish there was something I could do to make it up but there’s no such thing. I have to live with this for life. I hope you know it haunts me. Maybe it’ll give you a baser sense of pleasure(we all have it, it’s  ok).

You were a beautiful part of my life, and i’ll cherish it till the end.  You’re an awesome human, and I mean it. I just hope you’ll be able to see it that way one day. That what we had, for however long, was great, albeit with hiccups. I’ve never known a more dedicated, caring, warm, enthusiastic or hard working person; let alone that I’d be dating her. You’ve made me feel somewhat at ease with my emotions again. I know what I know now only because of you. A lot of what happened, and what I learned, is going to be shaping me for years to come.

I wish we could meet up some day, and talk about what all went down over some cups of coffee while it’s raining, maybe catch up. I still hope we’ll know each other again…

Summer extreme

TA-DAA! I cleared almost all the tests for a major airline, only my medical is left. This happened in April, and life’s been more or less charming since then. Nothing to do at home, pa not getting worked up over me- tis a good feeling. Now all that I had to think of, was how to fill my time doing something productive. Correction: some things. Plural. 
I joined a parkour class(yeah baby) in March, and boy, it is as tough as I imagined it would be. Want to move like a monkey? Condition your body first. And that involves a lot of drills, to strengthen all the little muscle groups and improve flexibility. It’s all very boring and tedious and tiring, but the results are smashing. I was able to do a proper Kong in May. 

 

Image
Image is for reference, but yeah, I did that. 
Nothing gives a better high than accomplishing something you always aspired to do. Now I’m able to sustain handstands, do wall-ups(that wall walk which we all made the Prince do in those Prince of Persia games), L-sits, and other totally ridiculous stuff. And I can’t even do proper pull-ups! Still working on that front.
Apart from that, took out my guitar again, re-strung it, and re-learning it. I’ve been putting that off for WAY too long now. It’s fun, not counting the part where tuning the E# results in it snapping and almost taking my eye out. And all these handy apps and online guitar tutorials really help out.
This heat wave in India and the El Nino effect plays havoc with my social life though. I hardly feel like going out. Maybe once or twice in a couple of weeks. And I need to go out. Seriously. Being cooped up is fine for a while, but me wants fresh air.
And that’s about it for now. Will keep posting stuff at random time intervals. Enjoy the Football World Cup! Gesundheit!

Ja

Age of the Comic book nerd

I’ve always been a bookworm. And comics are no different. The amount of tinkles, champaks, children digests, amar chitra kathas and raj comics that I ploughed through ecstatically when I was a kid is ginormous.

The Pantheon of Indian superheroes

I was a fan of Nagraj, super commando Dhruv and Parmanu, Indian versions of Spidey/Supes, Robin and Atom(duh), and used to spend loads of loose change on renting them from the local comic waala.

Dick Grayson without a mask
Super Commando Dhruv

I was insulated from the western comics due to the fact I grew up in Uttar Pradesh, and dc/marvel were really hard to come by. That changed as I grew up, and now I read more comics than ever. And not just limited to the popular series. I check out anything and everything worth reading into, like hellblazer, kickass, scott pilgrim, hellboy, spawn, sandman etc.

Hellboy

 

Sandman

 

At the same time, Naruto was coming up in popularity, so I decided to check out what a “manga” is, and before I knew it, I was getting sucked in deep without any chance, or will, to back out. Most of us have heard about DragonBall Z, which I found originated from a manga series by Akira Toriyama. Then it was bleach, one piece(all time fav), berserk, breaker, noblesse…the list is ever growing.

The overpowered awesomeness that was DBZ

 

The Strawhat Crew, protaganists of the One Piece manga

 
But what most of us “otaku”s wanted, the ultimate dream, was to see these characters come alive in a well-scripted, tight and non-campy movie/series, the first of which were definitely Batman begins and Iron man (although there were already a few outstanding comic based movies like Constantine and Hellboy, they were too few and far in between). Thanks to the overwhelming response it got, our dreams began to turn real.

John Constantine

 

Arrow, a live action series based on DC comics’ Green Arrow, is doing fabulously, and is so successful that a new series for The Flash, another DC heavyweight, is being developed as I write this.

Check out the list of upcoming comicbook movies:
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Amazing Spiderman 2
Guardians of the Galaxy
X-men: Days of Future Past
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Fantastic Four reboot
Ant man
And the Man of Steel sequel, which will put DC on the path to an eventual Justice League movie.
Also, an Indian movie based on Doga (Indian version of the Punisher) is also in the works, directed by Anurag Kashyap, one of my favourite directors in Bollywood.

Doga – Mumbai ka Baap

I’ve already done my share of geeking out, just waiting for these guys to feed my addiction. Some people might dismiss it as immature, but there’s no denying that comic book movies and series are doing better than anyone ever envisioned, and no one can ignore them. Their success has sparked interest from the general populace, and more of my friends are getting into it by the day. There’s a multitude of movies that I haven’t mentioned here, but if I get started, I’ll never finish this post. Also, I have to get back to demolishing this week’s quota of graphic novels. Have fun checking out the trailers of the above mentioned names.

Ja.

 

Freak Rant

 

I was abducted once when I was eight years old. They came to teach me how to fight like an alien. Bring your chin down to protect your neck while continuing to stare into the enemys eyes. Bring up your hands and say “I don’t want no trouble ya hear”. Flex your traps and core. Slightly bend your knees. Here comes the important part. In a low voice begin to say “wolowolowolowolowolo” slowly increasing in volume, he should be surprised by now. Begin to sway side to side and loosen all facial muscles and your anal sphicter and your kegal muscle. By now you should be pretty loud and your opponent will have stepped back and will appear visibly shaken. Begin to piss and shat yourself and let your eyes roll into the back of your head. By now you are chanting “WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO” at the top of your lungs. He will run away. Everyone within a one mile radius will feel a terrifying precence within their soul. Marvel as you ascend into your planar form.

Sheepish weepish

Here I am, back again, with no real change in situation except life’s a bit duller. The national airline is going to the dogs, and I got the short end of the stick, so still completely vella (meaning- doing nothing. NOTHING). Lost my phone for two months and got it back (People say I’m lucky, I respond that if I WERE lucky, I wouldn’t have lost it in the first place :/ ). In the meanwhile, started playing this facebook game Marvel Avengers Alliance. Sooo much fun. Still quite buggy, but the game contents make up for it.

I’m getting into nostalgia, so any readers (yeah right) will have to put up with all sorts of pictures from my past, including the academy and my vella years. That’s right, this blog’s gonna become a PICHA BLOG! 

Ja

Goblin

Invictus

I can never get tired of reading this poem. Not like it inspires me to get off my butt, just that I like reading it.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

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